Sneaker Waves

The moon was full with Venus dancing around. These celestial bodies called me out of sleep. The sky of symphony of stars. Almost too beautiful to comprehend. After witnessing a dying star, I returned to bed and dreamed a dance of revivification. 

The morning brought a dizziness. To clear my head, I walked on my beach. It’s winter so the waves are increased in size and thunder. Rattling the sand as they expel the last of their energy and rising at least 12 feet overhead. They were breaking at least an acre from my sandy foot prints. 

While walking a sadness takes over my soul that I don’t understand. It racks my body. It causes rain from my eyes. Leaving tide pools on my cheeks, waterfalls dripping from my chin. 

I searching for the cause to the visceral melancholy my body is feeling. My mind does not know the inciting incident of this impromptu storm.

Then. 

I see his face. I hear his laugh. I remember how his lips melded to mine. How his hands felt. I forget that I’m angry with him. I forget how his betrayal sliced my heart. And all I want is him back in my kitchen arguing about the proper way to slice onions.

This overwhelming remembrance has wracked my body. Now my brain has caught up. I’m inconsolable. 

As I walk blind from crying, the tide comes too close. Feeling it first. Then hearing the roar. Turning to the dunes to out run it, but I’m helpless against this force of nature. The same as I was helpless in loving him. I brace myself. Legs wide apart. Fists clenched. What was once dry sand is now a waist high ocean surge pulling me out to sea. Reaching, pulling sand out from underneath my feet. Taking my equilibrium and turning me into a seagoing creature. I fight the tide the same as I fight the feelings for him. Resistance is futile. I tumble breathless in the water. Feeling the same suffocation I’ve lived with since he declared he was done. I let my body shed every last drop of moisture. Gulping out rage, inhaling salt. 

I finally get my footing, right myself and run toward the sand dune’s. I’m wet from head to toe. Salt of tears on my face, the bulk of the ocean covering body. Baptized in salt and fear. 

I survived it. I can endure now. Become one of the living. Forget this ever happened. Until the next sneaker wave attacks me. 

Love doesn’t die -it hides in the corner waiting for the moon to pull the tide and blanket you in its relentless embrace. 

Unrequited Loss

I’m feeling loss. It’s from unrequited love. I was a fool. I fell for an unavailable man. I fell hard. Like off the moon hard.

I know why- because I saw myself in his soul. I saw my mate. But I instantly saw he did not feel the same for me. And I still ignored it. I still see it every day. I’m a distraction. I’m making him feel desired — but he really doesn’t give a love- he just desired. I have to minute by minute remind myself that It’s just lust not love for him.

Lust is intoxicating at first, but it has spun me around until I end up on the floor, completely disoriented and unable to function.

Just as fear is mistaken for love, so is lust. Lust distracts me from life. Love encourages me to live.

Love is the stolen kiss that I still feel standing in the produce aisle of the grocery store.

Love is love when there is no question of its existence and its loyalty. It was there, it is there, it will always be there. Just like the ocean, it ebbs and flows but is always there.

I don’t have this. I only have lose and yearning. But it feels like love.